When Do You Walk Away?

I remember the day I met him face to face. It was a cold January afternoon and, after a couple weeks of talking via Myspace, we’d decided to finally meet up for lunch at a small diner. He was just as handsome as he’d been online; cuter even. I’d imagined him taller but that didn’t matter since I was already infatuated with is humor, intellect and Lord…that smile. After he paid for lunch I had to head back to classes. He stood up and rolled up the sleeves of his university sweatshirt to wipe his hands and that’s the first time I saw them. Each scar danced flawless and deep across his forearms. Some aged with childhood traumas, others fresh from yesterday’s depression. He hid them quickly but I stopped him. “No, don’t be ashamed. Look.” I said to him, rolling my own sleeves up to show my most recent artwork. I too, was a self-harming individual. Instead of running in the opposite direction, we collided head first in (what I THOUGHT was) love all based on a dark past. Why didn’t I walk away?

At the cusp of summer, I got a call from a number I didn’t recognize accompanied by a voice I knew belonged to him. His “hey babe, it’s me” was heavy with guilt and remorse. I shuddered a little as the butterflies in my stomach morphed like zombies into moths from the anticipation for the worst. He was at her house. We’ll call her Shelby since I still can’t find the strength to utter her name out loud; not even on paper. Shelby was a friend I always felt was way too comfortable for my liking. “He’s like a brother” she’d hiss as the lies dripped from her mouth like a Popsicle in July. I couldn’t even hear anything after “I messed up…” because my ears were pounding with disappointment and hurt. My mouth broke up with him without thinking twice about it. My heart knew at some point I’d forgive him since I couldn’t fathom myself letting him go. Even though he was poison to my very core, it was the best tasting poison and I couldn’t get enough of it. Why can’t I walk away?

Everything was flowers and sunshine again (as most rekindled relationships are.) Even after the first lie, the infidelity and our first fist fight, it still wasn’t enough for me to call a spade a spade. I was looking at red flags and calling them “flaws” while holding a “well, nobody is perfect” sign up high for my pride to see. How incredibly foolish of me. I never stepped outside of our relationship once. Heck, the thought never even crossed my mind. In HIS mind, however, it was just a matter of time before I’d cook up my revenge and cheat back. Oh the lies insecurity would whisper to him. As a result, he became my master, controlling my every move, every outfit, how long I was on my phone that I paid $86.35 for each month. “You’re my woman, not my property” became “Talk to me all the way until you clock in at work.” *click* …my work phone rings and I’d give my “Thank you for calling Macy’s” greeting only to be met with “…yeah you’d better really be at work…” Ha. Oh how I’d settled for what I was calling “love.”

What happened to the hilarious guy I’d met 9 months before? Jokes on me and the new scars that were bleeding through my work shirts for the second time this week. When would I find the strength to walk away?

November 3, 2010. That’s when. I’ll never forget it because by the time I got up from sobbing perpetually on my bathroom floor, it was the 6th. Three days I’d spent wallowing in the sorrows of him breaking up with me. Three days I begged and pleaded for him to understand that his suspicions weren’t true. Three. WHOLE. Days. I peeled myself off of the cold tiles and mustered enough strength to look into the mirror. I was sickened at, not what I saw but WHO. I didn’t recognize her at all. Bags big enough to shop with cascaded under my eyes, aging me 7 years at least. The clothes that at one time hugged my frame slightly drooped on my stick-like figure from all the weight I’d paid depression with. It was at that moment I had to remember who I was. I had to dig deep and think about my value; my worth. “No more” I mouthed to myself over and over again until the sound finally emerged. “No more!”

Growing up in church, I always knew who to call on in times of trouble. I knew if everything else failed, God would not. I remember scrambling using Google to find verses on self-worth. Even though I was looking online I still felt as if I had to blow dust off the cover of what I’d discovered. It’d been forever and a day since I’d picked up my bible, let alone read anything out of it. I stumbled across Proverbs 31:25

which reads: “She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.” I couldn’t help but smile. For the first time in a long time I could honestly say I wasn’t afraid of what was coming next. Each day I began to read aloud to myself a verse about the Proverbs Woman and each day I gained more strength to walk in confidence and freedom. Don’t think this didn’t take some time though. Did he call me two weeks later with feeble attempts to make up? YES. Did it hurt to turn down my favorite flavored poison for the first time in forever? YES. Did my broken heart silently beg for me to believe he’d changed? YES. Did those bible verses drown out that noise and allow me to focus on living again…absolutely.

Time heals all wounds and the whole “out of sight, out of mind” was the best thing I could’ve ever discovered. I had to block every number, every social media site. It was necessary. Every day it became easier to leave behind the mess I loved and even easier to love MYSELF. Whew! The more time I spent in my bible with the Lord, I felt more free found I was worth more to God than I could’ve ever dreamed of. His love for me was immeasurable. I should have walked away the moment I saw the scars too big for me to heal or even the first time he called me out of my name. Instead I stayed and suffered all in the illusion of love. In the end, I learned my worth by allowing God to romance me into finding the beauty within myself. Taking time without dating or entertaining anyone helped tremendously while I healed. Jumping into another “situationship” would’ve been detrimental to my progress. I was able to spend that time away from distractions and closer to the Lord. I’m glad I found the strength to finally RUN away and into the safety of Jesus’ arms. The Potter put me back together again for a man He designed specifically for me! He’s one who would know my worth; he would already know that I am PRICELESS.